


Quiet My Fears

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Hopeful Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Mortality, Referenced Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26714788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: For Raphael, adjusting to being human applies to deep, meaningful adjustments like coming to terms with the fact that he’s no longer immortal like his boyfriend, and far more shallow ones, like the fact that his alcohol tolerance is apparently much lower than he anticipates.And on some nights, much to his dissatisfaction, it seems as if those adjustments will collide.
Relationships: Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago
Comments: 10
Kudos: 39





	Quiet My Fears

Considering how much of a curse Raphael considered being a vampire, and how badly he craved the return of his humanity all those years, now that he has it… well, it’s a lot, and it’s taking much more adjusting than he originally anticipated. This applies to deep, meaningful adjustments like coming to terms with the fact that he’s no longer immortal like his boyfriend, and far more shallow ones, like the fact that his alcohol tolerance is apparently much lower than he anticipates.

And on some nights, it seems as if those adjustments will collide, much to his dissatisfaction.

He doesn’t mean to get drunk - it was just a dinner with Magnus, something casual between old friends, but Rapahel recognized the thinly veiled motivation was to check up on him, a concern he appreciated and hated in equal measure. One drink before dinner turned into two and three with dinner, and a fourth after that leaves Raphael stumbling a bit in his suddenly-too-heavy dress shoes.

It also, much to his pleasant surprise, leaves the annoyance of everyone's worry and the constant dark swirling of his own increasingly negative thoughts somewhere muffled and muted in the back of his mind, dulled by the pleasant swirling haze only occasionally mirrored in brief moments of lightheaded dizziness. It's nice, not to think, not to _worry,_ and he smiles as he insists he doesn’t need Magnus to sober him up with magic before they part ways. He wants to enjoy this for as long as he can.

"Want some company for the walk?" A familiar voice calls out to him from partway down the street. It's dark, but he doesn’t need to see his boyfriend to know that’s who it is.

"Magnus called you, didn't he?" Raphael sighs. That traitor _._

"What? Noooo," Simon says, his tone entirely unconvincing.

"He didn't need to, I'm fine," Raphael insists again, still walking. It isn't that he wants to avoid Simon, but he wants to avoid talking, and unfortunately, the two of those go hand-in-hand.

"...you're walking the wrong way," Simon points out, a small smile on his face, and Raphael stops walking. Shit.

"I suppose I wouldn't _mind_ company," he agrees reluctantly.

While he was alone the alcohol kept his thoughts pleasantly neutral, distracted by the sights and sounds of the city around him, dwelling on the peculiarities of the strangers and shop fronts he passed. Now that Simon is here his thoughts dwell on Simon because he can’t help it - whenever Simon’s around there's nowhere else Raphael wants to look, nothing else he seems to be able to think about.

They walk in silence for a little while, and Raphael's head is too cloudy to pick up on how strange that in and of itself is.

"So, how was dinner?" Simon asks finally. Simon's hand finds Raphael's between them and presses them together, intertwining their fingers. Raphael isn't the biggest fan of public displays of affection but he doesn't mind small ones like this.

"Good. Maybe too good. I didn't drink much before I was turned, and rarely imbibed on plasma as a vampire - always felt too irresponsible as the clan leader to put myself in a position where my responses might be too slowed, or my judgment impaired," he admits. His words slur together more the longer he talks. "I suppose I could get drunk all the time now, couldn't I? It isn't like I need to be useful to anyone-" he says, the bitterness seeping through, not realizing what he's saying until it's too late to stop. He tries anyway, cutting off the sentence abruptly and not making eye contact with Simon, hoping against hope that he'll let it go.

Of course, he doesn't. Simon stops walking, the hand held between them tugging Raphael to a stop in the process. "Hey-" Simon starts, but Raphael tugs back.

"Don't. Just- don't." Raphael doesn't want to hear the pity in Simon's voice.

"Don't what? Don't remind you how important you are to your friends, whether you're their leader or not? Or how useful you are to me just by _being here?"_ Simon continues.

"For how long?" Raphael asks, his voice barely above a whisper. He speaks the question that pushes out from the muffled, swirling haze of his mind so softly he isn't sure he didn't just imagine asking it until Simon replies.

"What?"

"How long," Raphael says, cursing the sudden clarity that comes over him as he forces the words out, not sure he'll ever say them if he doesn't say them now considering how long he's been thinking them. "Until Lily and the others stop humoring my desire to stay in touch with them? How long until Magnus finds some new poor soul to take under his wing? How long until you get tired of needing to escort me through the bad parts of town because I'm mortal and fragile and unable to protect myself, let alone you or anyone else I care about?"

Simon swallows thickly. Raphael expects him to get angry or upset over doubting his commitment, about questioning the love of their friends, of the people Raphael considers family. _Raphael_ is upset with himself over all of that and so much more, but that doesn't stop it from being true, or at least what he believes to be true. Raphael braces for shouting, or worse, for Simon to simply turn and leave in disappointed silence.

And then Simon says, "For as long as you let us."

Simon speaks the words so simply, and with such conviction, that Raphael knows that whether or not they're actually true Simon _believes_ them to be true with every bit of his heart and soul. "I'm not going anywhere. None of us are. You don't just stop caring about someone overnight because some things are different. As long as you let us stay, we're here... at least, I am, but I'm pretty sure the rest would agree."

Raphael gives the hand still holding his a small pulse, just as he squeezes his eyes shut as well. The voice in his head says that it'd be easier, in the long run, to shut everyone out and walk away before they have the chance to do it first.

"Please let me stay?" Simon asks as if reading Raphael's thoughts.

“If you insist,” Raphael says, though his words don’t quite hit the ‘casually dismissive’ tone he’s aiming for because there’s simply too much fondness there to hide.

"Let's go home?" Raphael suggests suddenly instead of answering, turning the pleading eyes that Simon usually uses on him around on Simon this time.

"Yeah, of course. Right now what you need is some water in you, and maybe a few Advil," Simon agrees easily enough.

Raphael knows they'll talk about this more later, but for now, it's enough to know that maybe all of his fears aren't as inevitable as he thinks. Simon wants to stay and, despite his fears, Raphael wants to let him. And if Simon does, maybe the others will, too. Maybe Raphael won't have to lose everything else along with his immortality.

They get home and Raphael is treated to water, some pills, a change of clothes into pajamas, and the gentle pressure of Simon wrapped around him as they curl into bed. A comforting weight he knows will be there for as long as he wants it.

Raphael sleeps easily with the knowledge that, if he lets it, that length of time could be forever.

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )


End file.
